Existential Crisis of SELF
the start of my questioning identity, self worth, and my purpose in life
“In psychology and psychotherapy, the term "existential crisis" refers to a form of inner conflict. It is characterized by the impression that life lacks meaning and is accompanied by various negative experiences, such as stress, anxiety, despair, and depression.” (Wikipedia.) Thanks wikipedia for starting off my substack right. So I think most people experience some form of existential crisis in their life time. A lot of people may experience it early in life and some later or vice versa. Maybe even so that some people ignore the problem and treat it with numbing agents or substance abuse. Either way most people experience it whether they realize it or not. I know I sure have and I’ve been trying to solve the problem for quite some time now.
When I was a little boy growing up I loved football. It was my favorite sport and I was very good in the bantam football league which is like 8-12 years old I think. I was getting ready to play my last season in the bantam league and it was supposed to be our best year yet. I was actually practicing for the quarterback position. I was super excited for the season. I ended up breaking the growth plate in my toes falling off of a rope swing at the Allegheny river. I remember sitting in the boat with my foot propped up praying the pain was nothing major and it was mostly just a shocking feeling. We pulled into our dock and I managed to get out. I tried walking to the shore but I could not put any weight on the ball of my foot. I hit the shore and broke down in tears because I knew I wasn’t going to get to play in my last season of football. I was overtaken with sadness as a young 12 year old boy sitting on a porch with ice on my toes, sobbing. I remember my mom feeling bad for me because she knew what I was thinking and I was devastated. But just like that life goes on and I lived to fight another day. My dream of being a professional football player was alive and well. I think later that same school year I changed that dream and said I wanted to be a professional athlete. I knew football was to hard to try and make the NFL with my size and talent so I wanted to expand the dream to any sport.
Freshman year at Slippery Rock University I was a few weeks into the first semester on campus. What a huge wake up call that was. A whole big new world was unlocked. This is when I knew football was done. That sport was over for me. Then one evening I get a knock on the door in my dorm. I open it to some random happy go lucky guy who says something like “hey my name is blank and I play rugby. Here is a flyer and if you want to play come to this meeting”. I was like woah no way. Rugby!? That would be sweet. So I went and fell head over heels in love with the sport of rugby. I was pretty good too. I was awarded rookie of the year my first season, then MVP the next, and MVP again. I was the captain for 3 season and I loved it. The bond and brotherhood that was formed in those years was amazing. I researched how to become a professional rugby player. I found myself looking at a 700 dollar USA Rugby camp in California hosted by the Eagles and their coaches. This was step one on the journey to becoming a PRO. I spent most of my money on an affiliation program a month before that so I started a GoFundme. I was able to book a flight and buy a ticket for the camp. Chula Vista Olympic Training Center, California here I come.
The pressure is high and the stakes are higher. I was there for a purpose. I was there to perform and get noticed for my skill. Camp was 4 or 5 days or practice, drills, and then the last day was all scrimmaging. I made great connections with the guys there and got to know people from Texas, Japan, California, PA, and etc. There wasn’t anyone there out of my league skill wise and I was a hard worker. So last day of camp its time to shine. The performance has to be sharp and I need to make an impression. First Game of the day started off great. Anytime Im playing rugby it’s a great day. I was playing good hard rugby as a teammate. Then I got the ball heading one on one with a guy who was getting a lot of attention from the coaches and I knew I had to shed his tackle. I headed straight for him then at the last second to drifted to the right to work in my stiff arm. He ended up sliding behind me and landed on my right calf. I was determined to break away. As he was laying on my right calf I pushed hard off the ground with that same foot. I managed to move my whole forward, except that part of my leg. I heard a pop in my knee and I let out a small scream. They stopped play and I hopped up and jogged off the tackle. The trainer came out to check on my during that and I said “I don’t know what happened Im good. Im good.” He said okay and went back to the side line. I continued to play the rest of the game and shortly after that I ended up getting the ball and scoring a nice 40 meter try. It wasn’t until towards the end of the game when I started to feel something was majorly wrong. I would sprint then start to slow down and I felt my whole knee joint move. Deep down I knew it was my ACL but I was in denial. So then long story short I tore my ACL on the last day of camp my senior year of college. So not only did I miss out on performing on that stage but I also missed out on step two of the plan which was going to be filming myself play and send it to coaches.
I'll never forget the phone call. I went to see a few doctors and one said I had IT Band syndrome. I was pumped about that. But I had an MRI scheduled so I was waiting for the results from that. I was in the public School library on campus with my buddies in between classes. Ive been waiting for this dooms day phone call for months. It came and as soon as I saw who it was I headed for the exit. “Hello” “Hi, Mitchell we have your MRI Results.” “okay” “You have a torn ACL, Im Sorry.” I crumbled into a babbling sobbing mess walking back to my apartment alone. A soul crushing moment. My entire identity was washed away with one phone call. Who am I if not an athlete? What will I become? How can I ever get over this? Why?
Im sitting on the end of my bed in my room in my apartment sobbing like I’ve never sobbed before. My dreams were crushed, all my hard work and passion was gone, and I had no meaning to my life. Im getting ready to graduate college and join the work force but I have no clue who I am. I was doing my student teaching experience my last semester on crutches just like I started my high school experience on crutches. This time I was an adult trying to teach children how to be better humans when I had no clue who I was and if I even wanted to be a teacher. My self worth was low, my drive was low, my ability to work hard and make connections was low. What’s the point? I was alone and struggling to see my future. I was forced to pivot my entire life and become a new person. Blose Barbell and Trainer Mitch was born.